Tragic Actors and Hot Lindsay Lohan Photos

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

 This story isn't about the Playboy pics. No, those are rapidly shutting down from the Internet.

This story starts innocently enough, with a wedding. 

The bride arrived, all blushing, made up and white. 

She turned ever slowly, parted her moist lips, and smiled. Ivory white teeth dazzled the guests.

The bride’s sparkling eyes shone over the assembled crowd. There were friends, acquaintances, old lovers; there were family, sisters, nieces and nephews, mums and dads. 

And God Dammit. There was the Lohan. And she was hot. Way hotter than me, thought Kim Kardashian. 

Her eyes shone over the crowd
She looked over at the guy she met earlier that year, then closed her eyes tightly and breathed out. “Okay,” she whispered, barely audible. “Let’s just marry this clown already.”

I looked for another actor, a dead one, with whom I could compare Lindsay Lohan. The choices are of course endless in a self destructive environment like Hollywood, so there should be a lot of parallels, right?

Wrong. While I had admired so many desolate souls who entertained me and then passed on, it increasingly dawned on me that I had never- never, seen one of the Lohan’s movies. The only reason I know the Lohan exists in this world is from her consistent appearances as a drunken court case, and her perpetual energy as a paparazzi star. Bikini Lohan? Lindsay the Lesbo? Drunk? Happy? Sassy? Bitchy? Boob flashy? It’s all there.

Hotter than Kardashian
If this girl could bottle it, there’d be no need for Internet TV or People magazine. The drama, the skin, all the juice is right there in that 25 year old frame. 

So naturally I wanted to find a comparable catastrophe. Someone who had a torrent of talent that had finally eaten a hole through his liver. Or burst a blood vessel in that supernova brain. 

I at first thought, quite innocently, of Marilyn Monroe. Easy choice. Sexy, airhead, difficult to plan a day around because you couldn’t count on her. Big ol’ picnic basket of head trips. And Lindsay did a nude photoshoot tribute to her, too (hey- that link says nude photoshoot, so don't be complaining to Google that I'm
leading you astray).

Nah, too easy, and besides, I’d seen some of Monroe’s films. They were enjoyable and she brought kind of a presence with her. Kind of a, “what’s going on around me, check out my titties” aura.

Indiana Freaking Jones
Then I considered River Phoenix. Ah, tragic. I liked the kid, nice movie like Stand By Me, better movie like Sneakers. Young Indiana freaking Jones. Brought down by partying in West Hollywood, died on the sidewalk outside a goddam bar. Too much heroin.

Again, no. Again, I’d seen some of River’s movies. He was good. He was talented. He was too unlike Lindsay Lohan.

So okay, fade to black. And open the next scene with:

Brad Renfro. Whew. We at My Second Wish have reached a decision.

But no boobies
Renfro, since you’d never probably heard of him, was in and out of trouble early on. In 1994 he broke into movies at the tender age of 10; four years later he’s getting busted for cocaine. Hey- life’s a party, right?  Luckily for the Renfro crowd, a few plea bargains and house arrests and they’re back to uh, “work” in a matter of weeks. With a tan. 

Well even under such strict supervision of the courts, Renfro couldn’t seem to do anything right and at 25 years old he’s got his girlfriend discovering his dead body. 

And I’m convinced that the only reason we know Lindsay and not Brad, is because Brad either didn’t have boobs, or didn’t wear tight dresses to court. Advertise, Brad, advertise!
But, the similarities are endless nonetheless. Discovered at an early age. Drugs, alcohol, partying, bad boy/girl, a lengthy list of 
 forgettable movies. 

But no boobies. I guess the world really will forget Brad Renfro.

But not the Lohan. 

So let's celebrate Lindsay's unforgettableness...

Showing up Kardashian as a Lipsticky Pig:

My Mama, My drinking pal

Post-wedding, too many shots at the bar Lindsay...

oops I did it again, so 2010 Lindsay

 Sweet and Wonderful Lindsay

The abomination: Lindsay's gay era...

Wow. That is frightening. I may say, that if I were gay and a lesbian, and with most of Hollywood- hell, the world- at my beck and call, that if I chose a scary looking companion such as that, well… Britney shaved her head. This was Lindsay’s response to her demons.

Bleach those out with these NSFW images of the Lohan. Password is talent. Again, not safe for work, okay? Geez. Continue...

So there you go. Will we remember her as we do Monroe, after all is said and written, after the news obits run their credits? Maybe. Will chicks fifty years from now be getting her likeness tattooed upon their arms in some monument to her tragic greatness, her delicate spirit? Remains to be seen. Many of us will be here still, after fifty years. Let’s take a look. 

Will Lindsay?

 We hope so.