My Second Wish: Kim Kardashian is Better Than You

Tuesday, April 17, 2012 at 1:07 PM

Better than you

Kim Kardashian is better than you.

She eats better food. She wears better clothes. She drives nicer cars. She has more money. She has more fun. She takes vacations from a job she doesn’t have, to exotic locales, stays in comfortable suites and eats better food there than you would anywhere. She gets massages after a hard day playing in the surf in her bikini, from professional therapists.

God loves her more than He loves you or me. He designed her with all the benefits of the best human being: shapely curves, large breasts, indifference to men until they can take it no longer and publicly fall over themselves to be with her. Then, since that could never be enough, He gave her a rich, doting family so she would always be taken care of. Then He made her famous so her every move would be cataloged for eternity.

Only the best melons

She has for now settled for someone named Kanye West. This Pretender to the Throne has splurged, in his words, for a Caribbean vacation with only him, Kim, a personal chef, and five bodyguards. Said a source, “Kanye knows Kim is used to staying in luxury but wanted to top everything she’s experienced. Money is no object, he wants the best of everything.”

Kim is used to the best, Kanye West. You will have to do better. Personally, I could not be in such company. It is that I would not be worthy to be in their company, nay, their hemisphere. I feel I must apologize for being in their world at all.

So play, young gods and goddesses. For you are better than we, as is shown by your grace in the face of God. For only He could have bestowed such richness upon ye.